areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I am definitely the only sober one on this train. And the only one not wearing a business suit. Wow, Monday Korea.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
