The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
Why are your pants in the freezer?
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
