Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
The adults are the big ones right?
Randomize
