I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
me + whiskey = a bad person
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
Randomize
