Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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