dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
