Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
