Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
