I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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