I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
