she woke up with a sticky ear
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Semen is not good for contacts.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
