Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I did not marry a roomba.
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