He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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