Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Randomize
