My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
Randomize
