Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
The only thing I remember is the 300 pound man breaking ur railing from sliding down it at 3 am. Must of been a good night.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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