that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
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