i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
Randomize
