I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
And secondly i just said i'd pay ten dollars to have sex with you
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Yeah, we spent most of the evening making fun of the drunk girl until we realized it was you.
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Am I the only one who finds it completely appropriate to pre-game our Brazilians?
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
