I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
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