New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
