Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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