and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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