I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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