i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Randomize
