Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
even my farts smell like vagina
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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