Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
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