I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
