you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Maybe he injected his testicle?
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
