What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
Randomize
