the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
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