They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Why are your pants in the freezer?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Randomize
