if i can run in heels then i can drive
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
I think the cashier could tell I was sad. All I bought was penis shaped food and chocolate
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
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