Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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