The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
