I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
Those nachos came to me in a dream
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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