Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
party gras won. party gras always wins.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Randomize
