Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
i make up for being a shitty girlfriend by being amazing in bed.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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