Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I dreamt I won the Huge Cock Championship last night. It was glorious.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
She thinks you guys are the gods of the bathroom. If she runs past you naked, give me a heads up
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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