please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
