if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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