my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
being pregnant is like rehab
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
On the way home there was a guy passed out IN the road on Colfax with his pants around his ankles, completely bare assed. If he was dressed as a speed bump, he succeeded.
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Randomize
