You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
So squirting runs in the family.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
