Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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