You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
roommates are droppin acid, i really should stop them from staring directly at the light bulb, but their giggles are so enchanting.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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