When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
