Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
Randomize
