I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
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