I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Randomize
