Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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