dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
I just ate broccoli before drinking. Does that make me a responsible adult?
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Randomize
