Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Burnt myself on soup.. consencus go back to hospl. they will lov me. twins in one nigh. still hve band on. fuck
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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